A meandering post

I've been reading Nevermore, by Marie Redonnet. Beautiful, telegraphic sentences; a blow job every 5 pages or so; and a lot of the tropes that are so tired in American cinema but are remarkably new here: a small-town sheriff, a circus, a mystery, a Southern California border town.

The interiorty of the main character, Willy Bost, is mostly presented through the wierd, admonitory notes he writes in his notebook: "Do not think about the past."

Redonnet apparently had herself committed to an insane asylum so that she'd have time to write. I admire that. I generally mourn the passing of the clinic: a certain genteel crack-up is no longer an option, it seems to me.

In Montreal, I went to dinner with three people I'd just met: Henk, his girlfriend (?), and Jane. I mentioned a book by Teresa Brennan. Jane told me Teresa had been killed last year, in a hit and run accident; the driver was never found. --These three people I was with that night had met each other through Teresa.

The book had been about "exhausting modernity." A book of feminist Freudo-Marxism. I didn't say this, but I had eventually grown dissatisfied with the book's insistence on the infant's illusion of omnipotence, I mean with its insistence on the explanatory value of this thesis, that the illusion of omnipotence, and subsequent disillusionment and rage, are universal, and are central to the ills of the world. Like a psychological theodicy.

But at dinner I was told that Theresa had been planning a place, a sort of think tank, in the Bahamas. For herself and her friends to come to. And this made me reconsider my opinion of the book, or of Teresa Brennan. I had an illusion of potency just then, myself, of collective potency, at that moment, in that company.

Because we talked a great deal about how awful the world was lately; about "energetics," which had been Theresa's object of study toward the end of her life, and which had played a part in a memoir Jane had read, in which a raped woman fighting for her life suddenly stopped being frightened, and at that moment her assailant became frightened, and ran away; prophetic dreams; the dismantling of social welfare state in Holland and the Americanization of the world; the fact that Theresa's death was a murder, even if not an intentional one; the need for an alternative to marriage and nuclear family.

(I'm a little naive, reveling in the company of "free thinkers," as though this were 1910. My interest in "alternatives to marriage," is never, by the way, founded on a wish for variety, for supply, for multiple partners. I've often thought a disjunctive synthesis would be best: rather than an ideal fusion, or even a sober partnership of complementary equals, rather something appallingly or impossibly ill-fitting, right at the heart of the union: marriage to a gay man, for example. My twin utopic visions are: 1, the disjunctive synthesis of Millicent, Elijah, and the narrator in James Purdy's novel I Am Elijah Thrush, and 2, the community on a terrible, short-lived TV show about a priest, 'Nothing Sacred.' Everyone there was sexually incompossible, if I may say so: a celibate priest, a pregnant teenage girl, a Jewish accountant separated from his wife, a nun. If I can't live in an insane asylum with lap robes and cups of tisane and a nice view of the greensward, then let it be in some hopeless disunion such as this.

(The accountant of course was a free agent. He could have hooked up with anyone, so could the girl, so could they all. The important thing is that he was non-married, ex-married. His Jewishness--maybe the show was trying to be "inclusive," maybe it was a repetition of a loathsome stereotype--to me, for my utopic ideal of disunion, what mattered was that he was not entirely part of the church, never fused in the community.)